One Bad Apple

When I started my online dating adventure a few weeks ago my mind was open to the possibility that maybe not everyone online is creepy and possibly dating could be fun. My last blog covered the range of emotions one can feel while on this journey. However, I don’t know why but for some reason I’ve let one bad apple almost ruin the whole thing for me. Of my endless emails, phone calls, chats etc. I actually ended up having coffee with a guy. A very nice guy. A guy that was cute and what I would classify as “normal.” We had similar interests and talked for hours. Two and a half hours to be exact. Then nothing. I don’t get that. Why does that happen? Where does the communication break down? Am I missing something here? I think that the most annoying part is why does it still bother me? My gut feeling is to want to call this guy bad names and say he’s a jerk, but the truth is I don’t really think that he is. Ok, he could be and maybe I just don’t recognize them anymore. It’s hard to say. I know the thing to do is move and say next. Yet, I still wonder what happened? I suppose at this point that really it doesn’t matter, yet it would just be nice to know. Because if I did something I would be glad to apologize, learn from my mistake and move on instead of the big question mark that remains in my head about the situation. The thing is there are other guys that I could go out with, but I’m thinking for now I’m just over it. Maybe it’s time to just take my bat and ball and go home for now. Helen Keller once said that sometimes when one door closes the person spends so long looking at the closed door that they miss the other possibilities around them. There’s great wisdom in that statement. I guess the thing is that it’s just not fun anymore. It’s not winks, emails, shared interests and possibilities. It’s people being who they really are. They disappear, they don’t call you or they quit emailing. It’s real life and it’s real people which can usually be disappointing. So, you can lower your standards and at times you consider this because maybe they are too high or maybe someone tells you that you are too picky. I actually have learned some great lessons from online dating. I’ve also learned a lot about myself. There are some things that are just deal breakers and non negotiable no matter how nice some people are or how much they like you. So, I guess it’s never a waste of time if you learn something. Oh and by the way the bad apple that never emailed or called me back was in the psychology field. You would think that he would have had enough compassion for a person’s mental health to at least give them some closure. Here’s some advice. In dating relationships if you don’t think that person is for you, just tell them honestly and with tact. Because your fear of being the “bad” person and hurting someone’s feelings that makes you just disappear from them is what really makes you into the bad person.

Online Journey To Insanity-Crash and Burn Time

Over the past month a friend and I have been doing the whole online dating thing. The more our society becomes technologically savvy the less of a stigma there seems to be with meeting someone on the internet. When we first got started with the whole online adventure it was quite a rush. In the beginning you are bombarded with emails, winks and views. It’s very flattering and great for the ego. It’s also just really fun and interesting. You start out on a high thinking of the possibilities. Could I click with this one or this one? It’s like being a kid in a candy store. The options seem endless. You feel as if maybe, just possibly you could actually get your hopes up. Then things progress on. The days become weeks and you go from exhilarated to just plain overwhelmed. You start to see patterns and red flags. Then you begin to question everything. I read recently that about 40% of the people with online profiles are married. The article even gave you tips to try and figure out who is married and who’s not based on various things in a persons profile. Eventually, your feelings go from being overwhelmed to frightened. I am surprised the range of emotions you can go through even with something as silly as online dating. My personal experience has been pretty good. I’ve talked to some nice guys. I’ve been out with some nice guys. Then I’ve had some that just seem to disappear and it leaves me wondering what happened? Those are the most frustrating ones. Then you find yourself bombarded with questions. I have asked myself over and over, its it them or is it me? What are the deal breakers? How do I know if I am settling? How do I know if this person is who they say they are? Did I really like this at first? Are there certain rules to this game that I should know? Am I crazy? Are they crazy? Are we all crazy? For some odd reason it makes me think of the episode of Sex And The City when Carrie goes to see a therapist and realizes she picks the wrong men. Then the question becomes do I pick the wrong men or do they pick me? Maybe I should get into therapy. Maybe I should forget dating and go ahead and invest in more cats. And on and on and on…Until one day you just cancel your accounts and either book an appointment and get into therapy or you go back to living your single life in the real world.

Email Addiction

I read an article yesterday that said there is now a 12 step program for email addicts. It gave examples of people who couldn’t pass a computer without checking their email regardless if it was their computer or someone else’s machine. One guy had to check his Blackberry after every hole on the golf course. At that time he was out with a client and it became over the top and almost cost him business. What is it about us humans? What is it that makes us extreme at times? Most of us have some sort of addiction whether any one else knows it or not. Many times they are harmless and don’t hurt anyone. I got to thinking about this specific email addiction. I won’t lie to you I’ve had an email addiction before. I was addicted to the little red icon that said new message. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and just check to see if it was there. It was a total rush. That almost seems silly to me now, but it’s true. I guess at times we all get lonely and knowing that someone is thinking of us some how fills a void. The flip side of being addicted is when the red icon goes away. Figuring out how to move on without it can be a somewhat bitter and painful experience just like the end of any relationship. It can hurt. The whole online community has made it possible to connect with people all over the world. In a few clicks you can see their smiling face, know some of their interests and actually have a written communication. It’s hard to find a true connection to people in the world today. Relationships can be so surface, artificial and forced at times. My whole email addiction was with someone I had known for a long time so I never felt weird about it. As for an email addiction with a stranger, I have a whole other blog I’m saving for that. I guess waiting to get an email has replaced the whole waiting by the phone for someone to call or checking your answering machine. I guess some of us are just hungry for something real and meaningful. The thing is that I actually did learn something from my red icon addiction. I learned that sometimes a relationship even an online one can bring you back to life. I also realized you have to be careful not to get so consumed with having someone fill your cup all the time. You have to be happy with your own self truly. That takes the pressure off the other person. Even though I don’t wake up in the middle of the night any more looking for a message I secretly would have to admit I miss it, yet sometimes you have to move on and realize that you are fabulous regardless if you have a message waiting for you or not.

Faux Mance

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about a website called secondlife.com. Apparently, you can log on and create a whole fantasy life for yourself. I haven’t logged on and personally toured the site, but it is suppose to be a whole new world which includes its own currency. When I first heard about how popular this website was I thought it was kind of sad that people were so over their own day to day reality that they needed to build a new life in a fantasy world online. That was until recently when I realized I was involved a full blown faux-mance. If you watch reality television you’ve heard of the show-mance. Last year it was the love of the boys when Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal became involved in a three way bro-mance. Now with the growing online community each of us can have our very own faux-mance. I’ve always considered myself a person who only deals in reality and have had little understanding of people that are escapists. Yet, as my real life romances seem to not be working my faux-mance is gaining more appeal. In the past few weeks some of my friends and I have been doing the online dating thing. There have been some success stories but mostly not so successful stories. Just last night one of my friends was out on a first date with a total jerk. He basically ran off without saying goodbye and then had the nerve to email her this morning and say she was a good catch for someone besides him and wanted to know if she had any friends she could set him up with. Some people have nerve. As I thought about it I realized that my faux-mance might be where it’s at. If my current faux relationship was real I would be married with three kids living part time in Florida and part time in New York. I would also have a husband who is absolutely gorgeous with amazing blue eyes and the ability to flatter you with his Italian. He calls me bella. In a word it would be perfect. Did I mention we are going to honeymoon for a month in Italy? My sister asked me recently if I thought my faux husband was cheating with other ladies online. I told her probably so, but since this is not reality I’ll just pretend I’m his only one because it’s not real and it doesn’t matter. The thing is we live in a world with tons of fakes or knock offs. We’ve got fake Coach purses, fake hair color, fake sugar (splenda anyone?) and even fake fat (they still make olestra). Even so called reality television is scripted. It seems like the line between reality and fantasy is becoming more and more blurred. The down side is that sometimes the fantasy fades and you are left with a far less glamorous and no where near perfect reality. Then what do you do? However, the flip side is if it doesn’t work out in my faux-mance it doesn’t hurt like if it was a real break up. As for now all I can say is that I’m having fun and even though the words are real maybe the meaning or truth behind them may not be. I will tell you this for now it makes me smile and that is something I don’t have to fake.


Update-After my faux mance read this blog he got mad and we broke up. I guess reality finally got in the way!

Fears

The day started pretty much as a copy of the prior one. There was a slight difference due to the fact that I got up a little earlier to do some morning shopping at Target. Some days its fun to get an early start and try to find a great bargain, however on this day I left empty handed and a little disappointed. When I arrived at work I found a small crowd of people huddled in the lobby in front of the elevators. There are six of them. Yet, it seems like they only run a couple at a time some days. The longer I stood there the more people began to gather. Finally, word began to spread that there had been a water valve problem on the 12th floor and only one elevator was working because the rest were wet. I’m not a big fan of elevators, but just try to never think about them. Finally, the door opened and a bunch of us packed in like sardines. The people that were coming off the elevator said to be careful because the floor was wet. Once the door closed and we began to move we realized that water was dripping from the ceiling. It was an eerie feeling as the water dripped and dripped. I was happy to finally reach my floor, grab a cup of coffee and settle in at my desk. A couple of hours later my sister called and said they were evacuating her building. Apparently, a business that is located right behind her employer was planning some sort of strike and there were rumors of some bad things happening. All of these things got me to thinking about fear. I began to list in my journal all kinds of fears people have, anything from being afraid of certain animals to public speaking. Some say that fear is just false evidence appearing real, yet sometimes the evidence isn’t false. Sometimes there’s a real threat and it’s staring us right in the face. Then what? Some things are just out of our control. If we really were to consider all the things that we could fear we probably would not go out of the house. I read a quote one time from a little girl that said I’m not afraid of the dark, but afraid of what’s in the dark. I’ve also read that we are born with only two real fears. Apparently by nature we are afraid of loud noises and falling. All other fears are learned.

Sometimes fear moves us forward and makes us act. Other times fear completely freezes us. We get stuck and shut down. If we really believed that we are only really afraid of loud noises and falling and somehow unlearned all our other fears I wonder how many things we would do in life. There is a school of thought that says we should just feel the fear and do it anyway. Is that the best solution? The flip side is what are we missing out on by letting fear hold us back? What if all that we ever really wanted was just on the other side of our fears? Is it really just as simple as confronting our fears? I don’t know if it’s the fact that we fear something in particular or fear the aftermath of things. Maybe the fear is in can I live with the consequences of this if it happens or will I ever be able to recover? We are naturally equipped with a fight or flight response. By instinct we are designed to protect ourselves. If we really relied on that fact does that make us any less afraid?

What if we were to really take on our fears? Psychologists suggest making a list of fears and then release by getting to the root of what is going on. Most of the things we fear never happen anyway, so why waste good energy. I’ll end with giving you a quick list of the things that came to me of what people fear, but what about you, what are you afraid of and do those fears move you forward or do they hold you back?

A short list of fears…People can fear dying, sickness, being alone, love, animals, financial ruin, public speaking, physical harm, natural disasters, falling, success, failure, elevators, heights, flying, loss, making a mistake, ridicule, rejection and the unknown.
Makes you wonder how we ever make it out of the house some days

Pretty Woman-A Valentine's Day Story

As I stared into the mirror I realized I looked as if I was going into the military. My hair was so short that I almost didn’t recognize myself. I never knew how much of an attachment I had to my hair until radiation and chemotherapy took it from me. “I can’t wait for the day when I can get my eyebrows waxed again. I am going to have them done faithfully and will never complain about it.” As I continued looking in the mirror I decided that maybe I could actually not wear bangs. I always thought I had a huge forehead and needed them, but now that I have had this look for so long I am kind of getting use to the no bangs style. “I hope this is over. I have to be free of this disease this time.” I longed for someone to just hug me. I felt so weak both inside and out. I wondered why I had been left alone to endure this situation. Why were my parents taken from me? Why had I never married? I felt so alone. I had to find something to distract myself from my thoughts. I was so consumed with rage and despair that I almost couldn’t get my breath. I decided to make myself some soup and watch a little TV. As I flipped through the channels all I saw were commercials promoting that special gift for that special someone. “Oh, geez. I almost forgot. It’s that miserable holiday coming up.” I had been so absorbed with just trying to get better that it seemed like that I had moved to another planet. I had skipped over most of the holidays due to being in the hospital or just being in bed at home fighting this thing. It was nice to be able to do some things on my own now. I was slowly regaining my strength and stamina. “How shallow is Valentine’s Day anyway? Does it matter if you have someone to take you to dinner or buy you some cheesy card or flowers? I am just happy to be alive and on my way to better health.” I could feel my heart race the longer I thought about the holiday. I suppose if I were to be completely honest I would have to admit that really I did want the cheesy card and flowers. I just wanted someone to think I was beautiful again.

It was close to 11:00 am when I got up that snowy February 14th morning. Luckily, it was a Saturday and I was able to sleep in. As I stumbled down the hall craving my morning orange juice the phone rang. I had just got out of bed and wasn’t ready to chat with any telemarketers so I decided to let the machine pick it up. “Sandy? Sandy are you up?” The cheerful voice inquired. I decided to pick up after hearing my friend’s voice. “Good morning Trish.” “Hey, did you sleep in this morning?” “Yeah. I guess I needed it.” “What are you doing today?” “Well Trish, I’m not sure. I’ve been up for a total of three minutes now. Let me see, where is my calendar? Oh wait! I do have something. It appears I have a date with Brad Pitt tonight.” Trish laughed. “Well, don’t make any plans because I’m coming over later.” “Ok then. I’ll see you later Trish.”

As the day wore on I felt as if I was on an emotional rollercoaster. Around 4:30 in the afternoon there was a knock at the door. I shuffled over and opened it. To my surprise there was a delivery man at the door with a huge bouquet of red roses. “Delivery for Miss Sandy Morris.” “That’s me. Wow! These are beautiful. Thank you.” “Enjoy miss.” I sat down the vase and looked for the card. They were from Trish. I was overwhelmed that she had thought of me on Valentine’s Day. Then I heard another knock at the door. There on the other side was my friend Trish. “Hey, did you get my surprise?” “Yes, and I love them. How can I ever repay you for thinking of me?” “It was my pleasure Sandy.” Trish began to unload a bag on my kitchen table. “I thought you and I could have a Valentine’s Day party together. I brought over some munchies and candy to celebrate.” “I don’t know what to say Trish. You really have thought of everything.” “Here Sandy take this and put it in the DVD player. I saw the title and it made me think of you.” I took the case in my hand and read the words “Pretty Woman.” I felt my eyes filling with tears. I wondered to myself, how did she know? How did she know exactly what I needed?

Green Eyes-A Valentine's Day Story

I can still picture those green eyes. Her eyes really were windows to her beautiful soul. “I miss her.” I couldn’t believe I was actually saying the words out loud. No one was around to hear them, but me. After 53 years of marriage, three kids and all the ups and downs of my job she was my rock. Maybe saying the words aloud were just for me to hear. I dismissed myself as being silly and decided to go to the grocery to pick up some milk and cereal, a staple meal in my house since she had gone. I know the kids are upset that I still walk to the market, but it’s only two blocks. Yes, I know I am old, but I am still alive and am still fully capable of walking a couple of blocks to the market. Besides, I enjoy the fresh ocean air. Moving south was so important to her. I am glad we did it. We had some good years here, but I always thought I would be the first to leave this world and not her. My mind was flooded with thoughts of my beloved as I entered the store and was greeted with blaring pink, red and white hearts and a giant balloon wishing me a happy Valentine’s Day. My heart sank. The thought of my valentine being gone was almost more than I could bear. I thought I was doing ok with this, that I was handling it. “Mr. Jones, how are you today?” “Good, good, Jack.” I snapped. “And yourself?” “Fine, just trying to keep everything moving along in the store.” “Well, Jack you’re doing a fine job. Keep up the good work.” I felt myself trying to get away from him as fast as I could. I wondered if he could read my mind or see my pain. I tried to get through the store quickly. I had little energy for small talk and smiles today. At every turn of a corner was another reminder of a holiday that I used to enjoy and now was bringing me great sorrow. I couldn’t believe it when I found myself strolling down the Valentine’s Day section of the greeting card aisle. “What am I doing?” I made my way to the checkout and picked a cashier who did not know me so I could make a fast escape out of the store. I took a deep breath as I closed the door to my home. I felt safe again. No pink or red here, just a few pictures and memories of my loss. Yet, for some reason it was comforting to me.

The phone rang and it startled me out of my 10:30 am nap. “Hello.” “Uncle Ben. It’s Jennifer.” “Hey Jen, how are you?” “I’m good. Listen, I was calling to see if you would like to have dinner with me?” “Sure, I would love to. I don’t have a lot on my calendar, but I could work you in between naps.” She giggled. “I was thinking we could go out for Valentine’s Day. What do you think?” I sighed hard trying to decide what to say. I could feel the emotions rising. “You know Jennifer that sounds lovely. I would be honored to go.” “Great! I’ll pick you up at 5:00 and we can get an early bird special somewhere.” “I’ll see you then Jennifer and thanks for calling.”

As we sat at dinner on Valentine’s Day I looked at Jennifer’s beautiful green eyes. They were exactly like her mother’s and her mother’s sister, her aunt, my wife. All I could think to myself was how did she know? How did she know this was exactly what I needed?

Pink & Red Wrapped Holiday

I remember when I was a little girl my dad was not much on the holidays. Yet, every year I could count on there always being a card and a box of candy for Valentine’s Day. I guess my dad was more of a romantic than I ever gave him credit for. I suppose you could say that I am a Valentine’s Day wanna be. I want to believe and love the holiday, but it’s hard to embrace a holiday that celebrates love. If it were only about celebrating love then things would not be that bad. It’s about celebrating the love that one man has for one woman. A declaration of you are the only one for me and I am celebrating that fact with the world today. I know many women who think that Valentine’s day is a bogus holiday. A hallmark invented torture device. The only people that truly benefit from this day are chocolate makers, florists and restaurants. I think if a man doesn’t love you on Feburary 1st then what difference does the 14th make. I was talking to a friend of mine about it recently and she said oh valentine’s day is just a commercial holiday. After she said it I thought I don’t believe you. I think that deep down inside regardless if we want to admit or not all girls want to be somebody’s Valentine. Even being daddy’s valentine would be fine. There’s something strange about this red and pink wrapped day. My eye is drawn to the colors of it and the idea of love. I love the idea of love as I always say, but the reality can be a different story. Really though what woman doesn’t secretly cherish the thought of being someone’s girl. What is it about this holiday that makes you totally question your worth? Are you somehow less significant if you don’t have someone to call your significant other? That’s silly of course not. Every woman knows that. We also know that no matter how cynical, broken or defensive we are we still want Prince Charming to slay the dragon and come get us or in today’s world maybe just a simple Valentine’s Day card will do.

Do you like me? Check yes or no

Remember in grade school those famous notes that would be passed around from boy to girl? You know the ones with the question do you like me check yes or no. These days when it comes to dating things are not so cut and dry. It would probably be much simpler to just try and pass a note, get the true answer and then move forward or move on. I was talking to a friend of mine recently about trying to decide on whether or not to move forward with a particular guy. I went back and forth in my head about what to do. My sister always says to go for the free meal, but I approach things differently. Why bother with the meal if you can’t decide if you want to even have a phone conversation with them? I began wondering if you have to talk yourself into pursuing someone do you really even like them at all? I think back to other guys that I have liked and I have always been sure. No doubts as to whether or not I liked them. No back and forth, no pros and cons, just yes this guy would be worth pursing or no he’s not. I know tons of people that go out on a date because they feel bad if they don’t at least try and make an effort. I am positive that guilt is not an emotion that motivates me to act. I have said many times don’t try to guilt me into doing anything. It doesn’t work. It just irritates me. Sometimes I can be an all or nothing person. I suppose that’s why I believe you shouldn’t have to talk yourself into going out with someone. I had a guy tell me recently he was a big teddy bear. I am not exactly sure why but for some reason that statement bothered me. I thought to myself I already have a teddy bear and currently he’s lying on my bed. Is that what I want really? A teddy bear? The truth is no. I want someone who has some pizzazz. Some spunk. A maverick if you will. Like Carrie once asked in an episode of Sex and the City can a relationship survive without the zsa zsa zu? Some people in life you just spark with. The conversation is easy. The laughter is often. Things are fun. You think that maybe you can overcome all your fears and actually give things a shot and you believe that maybe that can see all your flaws and like you too. Usually if we are hesitant there is a good reason why. However, even when there are no straight forward answers as to why you are unsure sometimes you just have to trust your instinct. The thing is that even though some of us may want teddy bears there are still others of us who would rather have butterflies.