Is False Hope Better Than No Hope At All?

Currently someone very close to me is in the middle of breaking up with her fiancé. It is very difficult and stressful. They live together and her fiancé is trying to break her down by continuing to talk about the situation. The relationship has been bad for a long time and ending it is really a blessing to all involved. However, her fiancé keeps rehashing everything over and over trying to change her mind. Many of us have been in the same situation. We think if we just keep talking that maybe we will say the right thing and that other person who is letting us go will change their mind. However, the continuous talking usually makes the other person want to run away even faster. I think of the Warner Brothers cartoon with Pepe LePew and the cat that is trying furiously to get away. Even as we go through the break up process there are moments that seem like maybe just maybe things can work. We can think that there is a glimmer of hope. Most of the time the other person is just giving false hope to get the other person off their back. Hope is important. It is the current expectation of a future event. The idea that somewhere down the road something we desire will happen. Sometimes hope is all some of us have. Yet, in relationships we can sometimes be lured into believing there is hope even when there is not. We can interpret things completely different that the other person. Many times in relationships we can create our own false hope. If we hang out enough, have enough things in common, exchange enough emails or phone calls eventually things will change, but they don’t . I think even when we do this we know deep down that things will never work out. It is said that people change, but rarely do they. When it comes to the false hope syndrome I think women suffer more from it than men. For some reason we will put up with a lot and believe that things in relationships are going to change when many times they don’t. I often ponder why such intelligent creatures can be so deluded at times. I have to admit that I have been guilty of creating my own false hope. Sometimes it is just easier to hang on to a sense of hope than to admit that things will never be what you want them to be. Because hope can be the reason we get out of bed in the morning. Hope can keep us going. Hope can be motivating and energizing and being in a hopeless state is depressing. In a world that seems to be desperate for hope I can’t help but wonder is false hope better than no hope at all?

Life Is Short

Life is short. How many times have we heard someone say that? How many times have we said or thought that? My sister called me this morning and told me my ex husband’s cousin died. I didn’t know her that well. I can’t say for sure that if I saw her on the street that I would have recognized her. She was 38, had at least one child that I know of and died yesterday in a house fire. She never made it out. I don’t have to know her personally to have her tragedy speak to me. I’m 33, just a few years younger and I know that even at what most people consider a young age that my life and your life is short. I just finished reading “Tuesdays With Morrie”. The book spoke volumes to me. It didn’t just speak to me, it shouted at me. It screams in my head even now as I write this. I think so many times why can’t things just work out and be good? Why can’t people get along? Why don’t people care? Why do some people not love you like you love them? Life is short. I can’t say it enough right now. We say that phrase, but do we really think about it? Do we really believe it? There is something troubling about the death of a 38-year-old woman to me. Life is fragile and there are no guarantees. I think about how so many people play games with others. You date people, they play silly games. Why is it so hard to be honest with other people? With ourselves? Then there are people who can’t deal with emotions and feeling. They escape. They resist. They run away. They deny. They are emotionally distant. They throw you away. It’s always easier to cut and run than to feel the pain and work through it. Life is short. Too short to throw people away. Too short to not take a chance. Too short to settle for an unhappy existence. Too short not to love and care about someone. Too short to not feel the fear and do it anyway. We know that once you make a commitment to care about someone you take a chance with your feelings. You risk that you will have to be vulnerable. In a recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy Meredith Grey said we are all damaged and we are all scary. Sometimes knowing that makes relationships easier. We all hurt and we all have things about us that make us wonder what someone would think of us if they knew. All of us are damaged and scary.

Life is short, you may want to…

Hold someone’s hand, make a phone call, drive the miles, send that card, say hello, tell her or him that you love them, tell someone it’s worth it, tell someone it’s ok, tell someone how you really feel, let someone in your shoe closet.

Can You Judge A Book By Its Cover?

I have a friend that wants to set me up with her son. The last time we had lunch she mentioned the idea and said she would send a picture. She was even very complimentary to me by saying if you aren’t dating anyone you look great and you should be. Very nice. Sometimes a single gal just needs to hear it. Finally, the day came and she sent the picture. However, along with the picture was a note that said if he’s not your type I would not even mention the idea of going out to him. Immediately I was uncomfortable. Blind dates and set ups are hard enough. Then you add the fact that you are friends with someone and if that doesn’t work out will things be awkward between you and your friend. Yet, in this case it’s my friend’s son. What do you say? What do you do? Can you really truly have the full essence of a person by a picture? Does that show what they are really like? You don’t hear a voice or see a hand motion. You don’t know if they are kind or funny. The only thing you have is a picture that you try to compare with the picture you have conjured up in your mind of what the perfect person for you would look like. Isn’t that how we rank potential mates? The other thing is we compare their looks to our last relationship or that one great love.

As I writer I love to wander around the bookstore and check out book covers. Having examined hundreds maybe even thousands of books I have always believed that you could judge a book by its cover. Anything that has a girly cover draws my eye and normally it’s chic lit. Yet, is the same philosophy true when it comes to people? Does the way we look or dress really reflect our personality or represent who we are as a person? How many people have we decided not to date because we didn’t think they were attractive? What about all the people who we meet and aren’t instantly attracted to someone physically, yet their personality is irresistible? Which brings me to another question, how do you really define chemistry? There can be different types of chemistry on different levels. You can have instant physical and emotion chemistry or just one of them. Which one is more important? Maybe the only reason we should turn someone down is because there is no physical or emotional chemistry. Yet, people can grow on you. I ended up dating a guy that I couldn’t stand his personality at first nor did I find him that attractive, but the more we talked the more we got to know each other, the more I liked him. Maybe I was too quick to judge.


In our culture where beauty and perfection reign supreme I can’t help but wonder can you really judge a book by its cover?

Fight or Flight?

In the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy the story was about conditions of the heart. When we are under distress we either fight or we take flight. It is a natural response that all humans possess. I thought about this. When it comes to matters of the heart this is also a natural response. Some of us stand and fight for love and some of us run. I used to be the type that would run, but I’ve learned in my few years on the planet that there are some things and some people worth fighting for. You never know until you are put in the situation what you will do. Even as my marriage was ending I stayed and fought. I didn’t run. I kept trying until the end. I tried even after the end. I don’t give up easily. I stay around and I fight. One of my favorite work out routines is kickboxing. I love it. All the movements make you feel so strong and coordinated. You finish the routine and feel like you can take on the world. It makes me feel like Lara Croft. That’s because I am a fighter. I’m the oldest child and usually the oldest set the tone of the family. They blaze the trail and make it easier for the younger child. The oldest children are usually the leaders, the strong, rational ones. The oldest child is the fighter. They are also the protector of the youngest siblings. I think this is why my parents never bother to check on me very often. They usually just ask my sister how I am doing. I believe that they assume that I am strong and I am fine.

Don’t we all secretly want someone to stand up and fight for us? Even the most independent of women like the knight in shining armor that would be willing to at least try and slay the dragon. Aren’t there some things or people who are worth the fight? Sometimes our first response is to run away, yet it’s never too late to come back and fight. In the heart condition of love, which would you chose, fight or flight?

Life & Death

Currently I am reading “Tuesdays With Morrie” a book that chronicles one man’s journey of his final days. Death is one of those subjects no one wants to address or even think about. We all have some sort of feeling that we are invincible. Yet, the truth is all of our days are numbered. The book quotes Morrie Schwartz as saying “to learn how to die is to learn how to live.” There’s a deep message in that. A couple of years ago the song “Live Like You Were Dying” was a big hit for country singer Tim McGraw. The song brought up questions about how would you live your life differently if you knew that the end of it was near. I remember my writing partner Shelli and I spent many an hour talking about living differently. To really live like you were dying requires risk. It takes overcoming fear and being vulnerable. I often wonder what would I do or say if I really lived everyday like it was my last. Would things that seem mundane and routine now really feel so trivial? What message would I want to leave my friends and family members? What would I want my life to have said to others? How many unsaid thoughts and feelings would I be willing to voice? We spend so much of our lives hiding our true selves and feelings. Dealing with the doubts and what if’s of life. We miss a lot by being insecure and fearful beings. How many times have we decided not to really go for something or put ourselves out there because we were afraid? What have we lost out on or let go of simply because we were afraid to try? How many good relationships have we let go of because of fear? We are afraid of what others might think of us. We are afraid they won’t like us or maybe we are afraid that they will.

For some reason the emotion of fear has really troubled me. I see how it cripples people’s lives. They stay the same because they just can’t work through the feeling. People would rather hurt your feelings or let you down or let you go than conquer their own fears. Sometimes fears are good, they can protect us. However, fears that keep us from living a fulfilled life is sad. I’m often surprised at how many times people don’t do what they love in life or tell someone how they feel about them strictly because of fear. Fear of_______________. Fill in the blank. Fear can control our lives. However, Morrie Schwartz risked what others thought or even how uncomfortable he made them by being open and honest about life and death. Life is too short to be controlled by fear. If we were to really let go of fear what might happen? We always fear the worst. However, what if with our fear we are really letting go of the best, most amazing things that we could have in our life? Could fear be costing us our happily ever after?

Stuff

I was telling my friend Jason recently that I read the average 3 bedroom home has over 350,000 items in it. That’s a lot of stuff. I commented that Jason and I were both above average and could probably make that figure look small. When I shared this info with my sister she said I probably have that amount of shoes. That’s not true. I don’t even have a 100 pairs of shoes, I don’t think. To be honest, I don’t know how many pairs of shoes that I have. Honestly, I’m afraid to count.

We live in a culture of excess. A society that can never have enough stuff. I currently want to sell my house and buy a bigger one. Why? Well, I need more room for my stuff. I haven’t always had the luxury of living in abundance. I was married to a miser (which seems like a lifetime ago) and could count the number of shoes, clothes or whatever little I had. It wasn’t that we were poor, it was that I was just stupid. This could account for why I have so much stuff that I personally own. When I first moved out of my ex’s house I could house all my belongings in a small bedroom. Now a three bedroom house isn’t big enough. Everytime I go to do spring cleaning I get frustrated at all the stuff. I always wonder who needs this much of anything? I have enough books to start my own bookstore. Enough lipstick for all the girls in my county to have a tube and even an over abundance of hair brushes that I don’t use. (I didn’t realize how many hairbrushes I owned until a dear friend who was hanging out with me at my house pointed it out to me.) What is it about us and our stuff? I also read that people hate to part with anything. They emotionally attach to things. The article even said broken things are hard for people to part with. Even something as silly as a broken rubberband trouble people to throw out. Yet, the thought of getting rid of things we own can be difficult. It always brings up the question, what if? What if I need this and I have thrown in out? A friend of mine told me she can’t part with her daughter’s baby clothes. That’s been 10 plus years since her daughter was an infant. Do we feel like if we get rid of something we get rid of the memory or dishonor that time in some way? I still have my wedding dress. Why am I hanging on to that?

I personally hate to borrow things, I am much more about ownership. Yet, looking around my cluttered house I wonder do these things really make me happy? Am I trying to define who I am by owning all this stuff? Over half of the stuff I own I forget that I have. What is this fascination with stuff? Sheryl Crow said in a song once it’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you got. Having so much stuff and having everything cluttered I’ve read takes a toll on you mentally. Everything is always out of place. How many times have you had to stuff things back in the drawer or closet or cabinet? It’s frustrating. In our have it all, never enough mentality society I can’t help but wonder how much is really enough?