Dating Hide and Seek

Do men want to chase or be chased?

Dating in today’s world is like being a rat in a maze trying to move from place to place on a path that finally gets to the cheese. There are wrong turns and dead ends everywhere. There are times you think you are on the right path only to realize you’ve been there before and it was the wrong place the first time. In days of old the common school of thought on dating was boy meets girl. Boy asks girl out. Boy and girl live happily ever after. However, times have changed. Women are just as independent and capable as their male counterparts. I’ve read books that say even in today’s dating environment that men still want to do the asking out. They like the chase and the hunt just like their caveman forefathers. Yet, sometimes we get into relationships and you never hear from the guy unless you call him. I asked one of my guy friends recently what is best. Should you have the guy chase the girl or should the girl chase the guy? His answer was it depends on the relationship. It’s a grey area. He did add a line that he likes girls to call unless they get too obsessive or psycho. So, where do you draw the line? What’s too much? I have friends who get into relationships and become obsessed with the man they are dating. They call and keep tabs on him all the time. They are always thinking about the guy. Every spare moment is taken up with the guy. It’s been noted many times that men like their space and that women have the tendency to smother them in relationships. The thing with us silly girls is that if we like a guy by the end of the first date we are already picking out china patterns and his and her towels. Sometimes I hear that guys are just shy and would prefer to have a girl pursue them and ask them out. How can you tell though? Then once you get into a relationship the same questions goes, who makes the moves? Is there a common ground on this? Can you both actively chase each other at the same time? My friend is right. There are so many grey areas in dating. There aren’t tried and true formulas that work. It’s more of a roller coaster full of ups and downs and twists and turns. Yet, are there signs to tell what to do? If we really paid attention would we see clues before us that helped us decipher the dating game? So, when it comes to dating when should you hide and when should you seek?

Chemistry

Chemistry as defined by Webster’s dictionary:

1 : a science that deals with the composition, structure, and properties of substances and with the transformations that they undergo

2 : a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy


In high school Ted Bickel was my chemistry teacher. He was a nice man. A little odd, but nice. Looking back I never remember him teaching a lesson on how to have “chemistry” in relationships. I’ve had the line we have no chemistry used on me before. When the guy said it I accepted it, but I never believed that was what was really going on in his mind. Even now after having time pass I still don’t. There are many ways to define chemistry in relationships. It could be anything from physical attraction to having personalities that mesh. Yet, using we have no chemistry as a get out of a relationship line, I believe, is a cop out. What does that mean really? I think it is more of a way to gloss over something deeper. Instead of saying I’m scared or I don’t think we have enough in common or even I don’t like your hair color which might be the real truth we say, no chemistry. The no chemistry line seems like a less painful way to go because really sometimes the truth just hurts. Using this line can also protect us and keep some of us from having to take a chance and actually make a go of a relationship. I’m not excusing the use of this line, but I do understand why someone would say it. Yet, is having chemistry the test of a relationship? Do we have to have butterflies or everything in common? We’ve all met people that we instantly gee-haw with. That’s a word one of my bosses used to say. We’ve also met people who we didn’t click with at first, but over time something changed and we did. So, if we are getting in and out of relationships based on a certain spark, butterfly or feeling then we could be in trouble. Feelings are fickle. They can change easily and let’s face it after the initial rush of a relationship wears off there has to be something more to fill the gap. If there isn’t some spontaneous combustion up front do we just ditch someone? What about the possibility of something heating up slowly until it boils?

The other thing is why do we accept no chemistry as an ok end to a relationship? Maybe by accepting that line we are really just protecting ourselves from something we don’t want to hear. Again, the truth can hurt. So, when that line was said to me why did I accept it? I’m not sure. Maybe I was shocked or maybe I was wanting to protect myself or maybe I was protecting the one who said it.

Personally for me chemistry is better left as a science taught in high school. It shouldn’t become the cop out line or the idea that defines or what replaces the truth in relationships.

The Dating Slow Lane

In less than three months after the break up of an eight year relationship that included two children together my friend and her ex fiance have both found new significant others. I on the other hand have been in the dating world for years and have yet to get really serious with anyone after my break up of a twelve year relationship that included almost seven years of marriage. Most counselors will tell you that after the ending of a relationship you need time to think and grieve. Time to figure out who you are and what you really want out of life. Time to heal. Yet, is just a few months or even weeks enough time to move on? For some maybe yes, but what about for others of us who have just been kind of floating for years? Are we just being overly cautious? Do the ones who seem to have no trouble with dating and relating know something that we don’t or are they the type of people that can’t stand to be alone? For some of us it is easier to be on our own that to try and gamble that our next relationship could end as badly or worse than our last one. That same friend with the new break up and new boyfriend said recently, there’s someone for everyone. Yes, that’s a great, optomistic thing to say when you have that googly eyed look of new love in your eyes. That’s a nice thought and one I’d love to hang on to, but how real is it? Maybe if I was in a relationship I’d say the same thing to my single friends. Yet, some of us don’t want to lower our standards or settle. However, are those just excuses to try and compensate for the truth that we are really alone and scared and may have no idea why? Dating can be confusing and frightening. In a world where people aren’t always honest and many misrepresent themselves how do you find something real? Then if you find something real or something you thought was real and it goes bad then what? Follow your heart, just get out there, it’s just dating it doesn’t have to be so serious, but the thing is when it comes to matters of the heart and soul it is serious. There is real damage done when things break apart. When people turn out to be nothing like you thought they were. When you have put yourself out there and you realize you are standing alone again. The last couple of times I followed my heart it ended in a mess. So being cautious seems like the right way to go. The thing is that if we really wanted to be in the dating fast lane, wouldn’t we? I just don’t know and I can’t help but wonder why some of us seem stuck in the dating slow lane while others are flying by?

Tribute to Joseph Sisolak

Everything is everything, but you’re missing..—Bruce Springsteen


I will begin by saying it is a huge honor and privilege to remember and pay tribute to Joseph Sisolak. Being a part of this project, 2996 as it is called, is amazing and I am forever grateful that I stumbled upon it. The project has someone pay tribute to each of the victims of 9/11. As a writer I feel that my words could not serve any greater purpose than this. However, sometimes words just aren’t enough to describe a person. You have to hear their laugh or see their smile. My words can only help paint a picture of Joe and to make sure that those of us who are left behind never forget those who left us on September 11th.

I’ve struggled to write this. Knowing that the words can’t possibly capture the depth of love and pain that those who had a loss that day must feel. All I can do is my best which I believe Joe would expect and want. I can hardly take in the magnitude of this loss. Even now five years later I still cry with the family and friends who lost loved ones and with my neighbors all over this land. Joe, this is for you.

I read many wonderful tributes about Joe Sisolak from family and friends. It is powerful that the internet makes the world a little closer at times. There were many kind words and memories. Joe was one of 295 lost from Marsh & McClennan in the World Trade Center that day. He was a husband , a son, a friend, a mentor, a co-worker and a golf buddy. I read that Joe and his wife took one summer and played golf every weekend. I think the best way to honor his memory is to just be reminded of who he was. I will let his family and friends do that. Here are their words…


Intelligent
Dedicated
Able
80’s heavy metal music fan
Leader
Friend
Witty
Smiling
Fun
Golfer
Enthusiastic
Strived to do his best always
Love
Respect
Honest
Gentleness
Strong
Energetic
Laughter


Even though Joe physically left that day, he never left the hearts and minds of those who knew him. He made a lasting impression and impact. He passed on lessons and a sense of life that so many value. If we are lucky we might be able to leave behind the same when it is our time to depart.

We still have many more questions than answers and probably always will. However, answers won’t fill in the gaps of the ones that are now gone in the lives of so many. Without Joe there is still…


That missing voice on the phone.

That office left unoccupied.

That missing one on the course.

That missing smile.

That missing advice.



Time moves on but life at times stands still. Joe, we honor you today.



To read other tributes go to www.dcroe.com/2996

I Remember
Joseph Sisolak
World Trade Center