Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Women are funny creatures. There are many things you can tell another woman that you would dare not tell a man. I recently got an email from a friend that asked what’s the longest I had gone without shaving my legs. I thought the question was funny, one of the most interesting things that he had asked me in a while. Note I said he. Yes, it was a guy friend. He had said that he needed a shave. His face had become so scratchy and that he had become quite miserable. His email got me thinking. I actually answered him with a very vague reply that could have meant I had gone anywhere from one day to years or never. I wondered if he would think of me differently after that. The thing is that if us girls were honest (and we are about shaving with each other, but not the guys) we would admit we get into shaving seasons. I talked to some of my girl friends about this whole shaving bit and here are some things that I have concluded. When you are single and you have the potential of meeting Mr. Right or at least Mr. Right Now you probably tend to keep those legs pretty smooth most of the time. However, there are times in the life of a single girl when you got no one to impress and well it’s like cooking, it’s just you so who cares? You can eat a bowl of cereal for dinner every night and not shave. Some of my married friends and moms weighed in that shaving is just low on the priority of things to do. Between working, cleaning and taking care of their husbands and kids they are just too tired or busy. I think when it comes to shaving and relationships with men it is a tell tale sign of how comfortable you are. In a new relationship we girls want the guys to see us as these perfect little darlings. Yet, after a while once we start wearing our old granny underwear and sweat pants in front of them, shaving becomes less of the priority that it was. Not to mention the actual weather seasons have a bearing on our shaving. When it’s time for swimsuits and shorts the razor or the waxer becomes our good friend. In the winter when all is covered, well… Some things are just better left unsaid. The thing is that sometimes you have bad days or bad dates and you can’t help but wonder, did I shave my legs for this?

Heal

Heal-to make sound or whole. To restore to health. Mend. To patch up. To return to a sound state.


Recently I read in a book the idea that we don't give ourselves time to heal. From being physically sick to emotionally broken we don't take the time to really go through the process. We want to rush the time along so we can get back to normal. Sometimes we try to deny we even feel bad or we do our best to just treat the symptoms. Yet, if we try to short cut the steps can we really return to a sound state? Could our fast track to healing be even more damaging to us physically and emotionally? How long does it take to get over the common cold? It varies from person to person. How long does it take to recover from a broken heart? Same answer. It depends on the person. There are many stages we have to get through emotionally after we are hurt. Shock. Anger. Grief. Then finally one day comes acceptance. The thing is with our drive thru society we expect people to just suck it up and move on. I believe we put the same pressure on ourselves. We want to pull it together quickly so everyone thinks we are ok and everything seems fine. Emotional pain is not cured in three days and then you move on like the common cold. We need time to process things that have happened and time to sort out our feelings. We need to take the time to feel. It's been said that after a death or divorce it takes a minimum of two years to get over it. Yet, do we really get over it? Maybe we just get through it or on the other side of it. Will we ever be comfortable with hurt and pain? Will we let ourselves go through the journey? Will we give ourselves time to heal?


Breathe. Cry. Take time. Be angry. Laugh. Buy yourself flowers. Take naps. Eat a snack. Grieve. Accept. Heal.

Love and Addiction

Addictions are powerful. They are all consuming. They bring much pleasure for a moment, but bring even more pain when you return to real life. I am a child of an addict. I have been on guard my whole life against the temptations of life. Addiction is in my blood. It's a part of me. My mother is an addict. It doesn't matter to what. It just matters that she was. Correction, is. I've spent years covering up, making excuses and trying to forget. It's so difficult to watch someone you love throw their life away. You wonder why your love and support is not enough for them. Why do they need to turn to something else? My mother's addiction has been labeled a disease. Something that can be overcome, healed. Yet, with anything healing is a choice. Do you want to get well? That's not really the question. The question is do you want to do the work to get well? Is the pain of changing greater than the pain of your addiction? I miss my mom even though I see her every week. I miss what a true mother daughter relationship could be. I also dread the fact that I know what is coming. With her addiction raising it's ugly head and begging for attention it will need to be addressed. I know who will eventually have to address it. I've spent too many years staring eye to eye with the elephant in the room. I can't live that way anymore. The confrontation will be ugly no matter how loving you approach it. There will be anger and tears. It could possibly be the severing of the relationship. I don't know. To be honest I'd rather live in oblivion. I'd rather live in my own world and not get involved. Yet, when the addiction starts to spill over into your own life and affect you, something has to be done. How long will it go on before something really bad happens? I've been telling a friend of mine that I am going to run off and join the circus. It sounds like a great idea. How far would I have to go to not have to deal with a messy life? It's so tempting to just run away. My bags are packed, I'm ready to go. Why do I stay? What keeps me here? Love and addition two of the strongest forces on the planet. I wonder in my mom's case which one will win

Letting Go

Why is it so difficult to let go? So many times in life we tolerate things because we simply won't let go. I hate to say it, but ladies I think we are especially guilty of this. I have friends who can't let go of certain men in their life. After they have cheated, lied and told you out right that they are not interested in you, why hold on? We hold on to other things too, not just men. We have bad jobs, bad haircuts, outdated clothes and the list goes on. I will admit that I am guilty of this. I still have my wedding dress. The thing is I've been divorced for over six years. What am I holding on to? The dress is nothing I would wear now. My tastes have changed. Styles have changed. What's the point? I'm reminded of the cartoon character Pepe Le Pew. Remember how he always tried to hold on to the girl? Giving her kisses and telling her how fabulous their life would be. Her reaction? She ran away as fast as she could. It's the same way with people. When you try to hang on to them, they feel smothered, controlled and are ready to run away. The question is why do we tolerate things in our life that are unfulfilling? We hold on to people that won't return phone calls or emails. We put up with a house we no longer love or that is falling apart. Letting go of something is scary, but yet freeing at the same time. When it comes to letting go of relationships it's a little trickier. You can't just dispose of people when they don't meet your needs or hurt you in some way. However, we can give them space. Let them be who they are flaws and all and let go of our grip on them. Sometimes roles have to change. We have to be wise and mature enough to know when we have to change our relationships. I read a quote recently that said there is freedom in being the one to change. There is freedom in change. It's hard. It takes work. It takes struggle. Yet, getting on the other side of something we have worked through is so rewarding and fulfilling.

So, what do you have in your hands? What do you have your fists so tightly clenched around that you are trying to hold on to? How can we be free to take the hand of that next great boyfriend or job or anything if our hands are wrapped around something else? Be free. Take a risk. Let go.

Is it better to know or wonder?

They say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That to me is debatable. When you have loved and it has ended, then you are left with an empty feeling. This feeling you can spend the rest of your life desperately searching for. Sometimes you can find a substitute feeling for it. It's like artificial sweetener and sugar. It's just not quite the same. Yet it fits the need for the short term. However, if you have never loved you don't know what you are missing. You have some sort of fantasy in your mind of what things will be, but you have never experienced the reality. There is something to be said for being able to hold on to the idea of love. To hold on to an unconfirmed feeling of what you think things might be. Could be. Your idea of what it should be or what you want it to be. Is it really better to continue to look for something that you may never find again? There are no guarantees in life. There are no promises in love. It's a roll of the dice. Would I be much happier in a state of bliss that I created in my own mind? Is it possible to be completely happy again with no one in your life to love? What happens when TV, movies, chocolate, phone calls, email, work, money, food, shopping, religion and the things you used to do don't satisfy anymore? Is love the answer that satisfies? Yet, if I had never taken a chance on love would I be missing out? Would my life be better if I had never had that amazing feeling of love? What is it about love from another that somehow completes you? Should I take a chance with someone or just stay in my fairy tale world? When it comes to matters of the heart is it really better to know than to wonder?

Insecurity

Insecure---in-si-'kyur-----Not confident or sure:Uncertain. Deficient in assurance: beset by fear and anxiety.


Is it easier to be a good friend to a person during bad times rather than in good times? Can the happiness of someone else cause us pain? Are we so insecure at times that we would try to sabatoge someone that we genuinely care about just so they don't somehow make us feel worse about ourselves? Relationships are tricky. They are scary and almost always unpredicatable. It doesn't matter if it is a love interest or just a friendship. When friends are hurting it's a natural reaction to want to comfort them. You spend hours on the phone, on the email and over coffee listening and nodding. You create a space for them to work out what they need to. Yet, when things are going good are we such good friends? Can you count on the same amount of support when you get that new promotion, house, car or significant other? Sometimes the happiness and success of others brings out our own insecurities. I am guilty of this. I have skipped more weddings and baby showers due to my own pain. I wished my friends well, but the sights and sounds of their own happiness made me feel horrible. I am hoping I have overcome that in the past few years. Hopefully, I have become more at peace with my own life so I can be there for others and share in their happiness and sorrows. We really are fragile little creatures. There are many things that cause us to be insecure people. Alot of what people have said about us and situations we have faced factor in. Fear is a huge part of it. I am finding that fear makes people do some strange things. Fear and insecurity can cost us a lot. We can lose out on jobs, fulfilling our purpose in life, pursuing our dreams and even discovering the love of our life. Currently, I am in examination mode. I'm walking around my life and looking very closely at the people who are in it. I am taking an honest and sobering look at everyone, including myself. Things have changed. People have changed. I have changed. In a world full of ups and downs, good times and bad I can't help but wonder when push comes to shove who is really in your corner?

Reality and Pain

Real--Not artificial, fraudulent or illusory, genuine

Reality---The quality or state of being real

Escapism---Habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine



Nobody likes pain and suffering. However, if you live on the planet and get up another day you take the chance that you will encounter some unpleasantness. I'm always pondering people and their mind and emotions. I'm being reminded lately that life is fragile. People are fragile. Even I am at times fragile even though I hate to admit that. We humans have all types of ways to deal with pain. Currently, I have several friends going through bad things. Some are totally devastated while others are just mildly uncomfortable. The different ways that each of them deal with pain is interesting. Some are turning to drinking to become numb. Others have decided to just lay low from everybody for a while. One of my friends and I were talking about why we watch movies. One weekend I watched a bunch of movies. I felt like I was on escapism overload. Some watch movies to be entertained, others to break up the monotony in their life, others to get away from their real life. Then there are people who only watch certain types of movies. Ones that don't closely mimic real life. I can only live in an imaginary world for so long. I have to deal in reality. That's just me. Not that I don't have my own escape mechanisms. I tend to want to get rid of the things that cause me pain. I'll throw you away and delete your number quickly. It's easier than trying to work it out. Not the most mature way of dealing with things. So, I'm working on breaking that pattern. Anytime you are in a relationship with someone there is conflict at some point. There can also be a complete breakdown in the relationship. Things can get messy. Then what? How do you deal with the pain? Sometimes we don't or won't. In a world full of hurt I can't help but wonder do we all just want to live in a state of beige or vanilla? In a neutral zone? In a life that barely feels pain so it barley feels a thrill? If you don't know pain can you ever really know bliss? How would you measure them? Would you really understand total and complete happiness without being completely broken and sad? Would we even know how to appreciate the good times without some bad ones? I'm many things, but beige is not one of them. I am loud, complicated, always thinking, always evolving. I am black, blue, red and pink. I am broken, thrilled, happy, sad. I am real.

Searching For Something...

Have you ever had something or someone come into your life and remind you that something is missing? From new jobs, to babies, vacations or new relationships. Things and people can come along that somehow change your perception of your life. I just had this happen to me. Someone came into my life and for some reason things changed. I looked at life differently. It was for the better. Then there was sort of a break in the relationship and then a rebuilding if you will. However, the whole experience has made me different. It changed things. It brought out feelings in me that had been shelved for years. Feelings I had forgotten about or had purposely locked away. The relationship is different now. In some ways, but then again it's not. Yet, somehow I am different and the life that I was happy with a few months ago no longer satisfies. I am now restless. Searching for some feeling or experience or something to fill the gap of those feelings I once had. I'm not sure I could actually define the feeling. I just know I liked it and now I want it back. It's a strange and scary place. It makes you want to be impulsive and just run off and join the circus or something. It can also be a lonely, sad place. Looking for something that you can barely define. So, either I will find a replacement for that feeling, rediscover it somewhere else or just go back to being content with the way things were.


I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For-U2

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you.

I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you.

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her finger tips
It burned like fire
(I was) burning inside her.

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone.

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colours will bleed into one
Bleed into one.
But yes, I'm still running.

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Oh my shame, you know I believe it.

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.

Lover

You know one of the best relationships you can have is with your creative work. It's like having a lover. You know it inside and out. Frontwards and backwards. You've loved it, hated it, cried with it and laughed with it. You know it's heart because it is your own. So, you don't need luck, you just need to get around it and remember how it breathes and hear it's heartbeat again. You need to be reminded of how good it makes you feel and how much you love it and it will be incredible.

Dedicated to all my creative peeps out there. You know who you are!

Fragile

Fragile –adj—pronounced-"fra-jil"—meaning--Easily broken or destroyed

When I hugged my friend she was shaking. Her world had been destroyed. Everything that she had loved and valued had come undone. The life that she had lived, forever changed. It's amazing how the selfish acts of one person can almost completely destroy another. As we talked over lunch she showed me some of the battle wounds. Self inflicted. A cut where the tip of a knife once was forced. A wrist that was sliced up. An arm covered in bruises. She managed to force a smile, but her eyes told the truth. The pain was clearly carved on her face. I tried to listen. There are no solutions when you are broken. They only come with time and with the gift of time comes clarity. Her phone kept ringing and she kept answering him and putting me on hold. I felt bad. I wanted to give her answers. I wanted to give her hope. I could relate on some levels. I've been broken by someone that I loved more than anything. I built my life around him and when he was gone I had nothing left or so I thought. My friend's pain is so fresh and new. I told her it's one day at a time and then one day you look up and you feel different and even possibly happy. She can't see that now. She can't see anything now. Her life is blurry. Her grief is overwhelming. We went to see a movie. A romantic comedy. Bad choice. When we left the theater she was crying and it wasn't a sad movie. It was a movie where things worked out and the couple got together. Isn't that what we go to movies for? If real life were only that simple. There's conflict, minor pain and then it all ends happily ever after. I remember why I quit watching movies for a long time. They were too painful. Life is so fragile. People are so fragile. The affects of words and actions can mark a person for a lifetime. Life can change in a blink of an eye. You wake up one day and a single action can forever change your entire existence.

Home

Today I sat at the bookstore a couple of tables near a group of senior ladies. They were laughing and drinking coffee. I purposely wanted to be near them to just feel something new and good. I was somewhat reading and periodically glanced up to see what they were doing. I secretly wondered if any one of them wanted to adopt a grand child. I thought maybe I would make a good granddaughter. As I watched them I realized I wanted a grandmother. I also wanted a mother. That is a mean thing to say because I have a mom. I see her almost every weekend. However, our relationship has always been that I have been the adult and she has been the child. It's carried on that way for so long that it's just a habit. I don't know how I would interact with her in any other way. Recently I tried to talk to her about something deeply personal and very important to me. She shut me down. Her own fears of how what I was feeling would effect her made it impossible to share my heart with her. I was upset by the encounter, but it was nothing new. I long for a place you see in the movies. An old southern plantation full of life and history. It would be warm, inviting and charming. A place I could retreat to and learn to quilt or cook. A place that is peaceful and settled. A place that has family. A place that feels like home.

From Garden State by Zack Braff
Andrew Largemen: "You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone."
Sam: "I still feel at home in my house."
Andrew Largeman: "You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

When will we quit punishing ourselves?

I have a friend who just told me her husband was having an affair. This is a couple who have been married a long time. Not a short term commitment here. There are years of shared memories and children. I've been lucky somehow that with my involvement with men that I have never had one cheat on me. She told me when she found out she just went crazy. I can't imagine the range of emotions you must feel when someone has betrayed you in such an awful way. She went on to say that things got really dangerous to the point of her trying to hurt herself. I wonder why we do this? When someone hurts us why do we try to inflict pain even more pain on ourselves? Isn't what they have done pain enough? When you are rejected it rocks you to the very core of your being. You question everything about yourself. What have I done wrong? What is it about me that makes this other person feel this way? What did I do? Why do I have to feel bad? Aren't they the ones that have lost out? I myself have just come out of a relationship crash if you will. The whole experience has made me do the same kind of questioning. What is it about me? Is there some tragic flaw that just invites this type of rejection? Yet as I ponder my situation which is nothing even close to my friends I still wonder the same thing...When will we quit punishing ourselves?

Why is it so complicated?

When I was 14 I began dating. Well, at first I didn't know what it was. I thought I was going to movies and hanging out at the mall with a guy. At this age it never occured to me to put a title on what was happening. I was just hanging out and having fun. It was all very easy. I remember there was nothing to it. I was just being asked if I wanted to go to and do something. Now, fast forward to my 33rd year and things have gotten a little more tricky. I thought at twenty I had the whole dating thing licked because I got married. From that point on I would forever have someone to got to the movies and dinner with. I didn't have to try and navigate the single life. At twenty seven I found myself alone. My permanent date decided the party was over and it was time to move on. So, I was tossed back into the world of dating again. However, now things have changed. It wasn't as easy as it used to be. Somehow over the years there were new rules to the game. The competition was more agressive and I was out of practice. Then there is the question of where do you look? You can go online and try to be matched up based on personality or interests. I recently heard you could meet someone by going to an event where you stared at each other for three minutes or you could arrange to meet someone on your next flight. The alternatives are endless and exhausting. Then if you meet someone how do you know if he's just not that in to you? Some guys play the friend card with you and give you false hope. How do you spot those guys? Some want to give dataing a chance others want to kiss it goodbye. What's a girl to do? I'm still hoping that UPS will deliver Mr. Right directly to my front door. Ok, that's gonna be a long wait I know. Yet, what happened to the days of just hanging out and having fun? When things didn't have to be defined. When things didn't have to be so messy. At what point did it get so complicated?

Perspective

I wrote this several years ago and just thought it was time to share it again. This is dedicated to my friend Lee who sees through this mess of a life and calls it beautiful. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever known. I will always be one of your biggest fans. -LA

As I sat in the corner of the room, I tried to take in every word. On many of the faces gathered, the pain was right on the surface, as if you could reach out and touch it. Others appeared tougher, knowing they had walked through the pain and persevered. Some were stained with tears that fell freely. Others could wear smiles and even, at times, laugh. I was so taken by the encouragement and confidence on display. Everyone was so forthcoming and helpful to each other. I thought about how difficult it must be, for not only those sick, but for the family members as well. What a toll this illness must take on them both physically and emotionally There was a lady there who said people often asked if she was mad at God. She replied no, that her family and daughter had been blessed with three good years. They had prayed to God and he had always seen them through before. And He would again. I wanted to hide at that moment as I remembered how, just that morning, I had told God that I was so angry and disappointed with Him. How ignorant one can be when they only see life through their own set of eyes, from their own perspective. I was mesmerized with each person there. I tried to see from their vantage point as much as my mind and imagination would let me. There was such a precious moment between my friend Lee and a 12-year-old girl who was facing her third surgery. She is an artist, like Lee. He was looking at her work and paying her compliments. She hung on his every word. You could almost see one of those little girl/older boy crushes developing. She had drawn and colored the most beautiful picture of a sun. The colors were so radiant, I don't know how they kept from burning a hole through the page. He told her that he could scan her picture for her and make it bigger. He praised her talent and talked of all the potential she had. He gave her hope, a reason to keep trying, a reason to keep living. Her attitude was so positive. She said, "I've been through surgery twice before, I can get through it again." Her mother hurried the little girl out so she would have time to do her homework. I thought about how focused and optimistic she is. If I were in her shoes, homework would seem so trivial. Another lady talked about how she liked to cook to keep her mind occupied. One lady cried as she described her broken relationship with her daughter. That same lady also said that, after becoming sick, she loved people more. I've always been a people person, she said, but I just love people even more than I used to. I envied those feelings. The group celebrated as one lady announced she was finally going back to work. Another man expressed his frustration over having to leave his job. He was so dedicated to his job. He always had vacation left over each year. He loved to work. There was talk of memory loss. How children would get so upset with their afflicted parents when they couldn't remember things. I felt like I could relate just a little bit on that level, with my own memory loss due to illness. It angers me to not be able to remember things about my own life that other people do. It's as if someone gets inside your head and erases the tape. However, my struggles pale in comparison to those gathered in the room around me that night. That room was full of joy, hope, pain and encouragement. Someone mentioned that I was there to support Lee. If they only knew that he was the one supporting me. He was the brightest spot of the group. Passionate, sincere and charming. He says that cancer was one of the best things that ever happened to him. I questioned that statement, but he came back with so many reasons for why this was true for him. He has great courage. He lives every moment of his life. He takes time to stop and smell the roses. He would make time to do so, valuing that he could, savoring every moment. He said he wore his cancer like a badge. I was reminded of the first day I met him and how he was so forthcoming about what he had gone through. It tendered my heart from the beginning. I look at him through different eyes now, a changed perspective. Like he is a walking miracle. At one point he was given only a year to live. It's as if every breath he takes is miraculous. Another moment that he thought he would never have. As we walked to find our cars, he talked about a guy he worked with who had gotten so hung up about turning thirty. Lee told the guy about his life experience, and how he would soon be reaching that milestone himself. How happy and excited he was about it. What a celebration of life. Lee says he's lucky. I think it may be more than luck that he is still alive. He brings a new perspective on things to each person he encounters. Beyond the outward appearance of hats, flip-flops and paint splattered t-shirts, is a remarkable life. A tender, compassionate heart and a willingness to be so open, a reality check if you will. In light of his life, my troubles can't compare. They don't come anywhere close. From now on, I will re-think any complaints I have before I dare voice them in his presence. After the meeting, I sat in traffic for a half an hour before I made a U turn and took an alternate road home. When I got home, the heat in my home was out, but that problem seemed so trivial compared to what I had just witnessed. I doubt if anyone in that room thought it a great tragedy to know that you might have to call the HVAC people and spend a few hundred dollars to correct things. I wonder how much they would be willing to spend to know the outcome of their situations, to know what their future holds. I wanted to embrace each and every one of them and tell them it would all be all right. Yet, I knew my words just weren't enough. I wondered if they felt like they were at the mercy of doctors, new treatments and medications. I also wondered why they were chosen. Why did they have to suffer? Even though I only sat in their presence for a very short time, that group of people made a lasting impact on me. It was my honor and privilege to see a glimpse of their lives and to be able to realize how blessed I really am. I thank them for letting me see through their eyes, from a different perspective.

Soul Mates

I like the word soul. I like the word mate. Other than that you got me.---Mr. Big

Anytime you get girls together the talk sooner or later gets to the subject of men. Some girls are hopeless romantics. Other girls can fall a little more on the jaded side. I like to consider myself a hopeful romantic. I still have the hope of possibility. An idea that my romantic life nor myself are completely hopeless. For some reason lately the word soul mate has returned to my vocabulary. It began when a friend said he was broken up with the statement, you’re not my soul mate. Just for the record this is a total cop out and a really immature way to deal with someone. Then the word came up again from another friend of mine. Actually, maybe I asked her. Do you believe in soul mates? Her answer was an enthusiastic yes. I was a little thrown by her strong reaction. Then I said well where is yours? The words were out of my mouth before I even realized what I was asking. I quickly apologized and said I didn’t mean it. Yet I wondered if you have someone that believes in soul mates then shouldn’t they be with theirs? It’s really a dangerous concept, the thought that there is someone out there just walking around waiting for you to be paired up with them. How do you find them? What do they look like? Are they looking for you? What if you don’t live in the same city, state or country? Isn’t the word soul mate more for fairy tales like Prince Charming, glass slippers and fairy godmothers? Because if wearing the right shoes could really attract Mr. Right I believe that the pair of Kate Spade shoes I own would be the winner and I would be Cinderella. I pressed my friend a little further on how do you think that Mr. Soul Mate is going to show up in her life and what if you already have somebody and they are Mr. Ok or Mr. Right Now? She basically answered with for her she’ll just look up and he’ll be there. I think I’ve been down the road before. I remember after a huge break up I was still complaining about the guy when I looked up and there was a new guy. I had not really noticed him before. Was he there to rescue me? Mr. Soul Mate is it you? I can tell you that the answer was no. He was Mr. Crush that went on to be Mr. Friend and then Mr. Married. As a single hopeful romantic the idea of soul mates sounds like either a great romantic fantasy dreamt up by the most optimistic people on the planet or a great excuse for why you are either still single or why it’s not working out with your current love interest. I really don’t think I believe in soul mates or at least for now I don’t. However, just in case, Mr. Soul Mate if you end up reading this I’m ready for you. Please just call me or knock at my door. I will answer. I promise.

Who's fears are shaping my life?

Tonight at coffee my friend asked me this sobering question. She went on to talk about how many times her life had been defined by the fears of others. For example her family. I could so relate to what she said. I had never thought of others fears shaping my life as much as I am always thinking about my own. My life this past week though has been the perfect example of how others and their fears can make an impact on you. One week ago I had an amazing Friday. I was about to spend the evening with a friend I had not seen in over 10 years. We had reconnected by way of the world wide web and had quite easily formed a very strong relationship. We talked daily by email and almost weekly by phone. We connected so easily and so quickly. After two months of just talk he was headed to town. The thought of seeing him again took my breath away. The week prior to his arrival was filled with anticipation, sleepless nights and forgotten meals. I was completely consumed in him. My family had been made very aware of how important he had become to me. They had even help me prepare for the big evening. Thinking back now I almost feely silly. Like a young girl preparing for the big dance. The night was booked. The plans were to hang out at a friends house and have pizza. I couldn't wait. Even though I was filled with anxiety I was ready to finally see the face of the voice that I had grown so fondly of. It sounds like the beginning of a fairy tale story, but of course with every good story there has to be conflict. I arrived at the couples home of where we would be hanging out for the night. My long lost friend wasn't there yet. I being the planner I am had already decided I wanted to spend time alone without my couple friends and since I lived a few blocks thought the transision to my house would be easy and would really cement the night. My phone rang and for some reason I decided to answer. It was my sister. Her voice was upset and she wanted to know if she could spend the night at my house. She was leaving her boyfriend. I didn't know how to respond. Sure I told her. As I hung up the phone I was very upset because she knew my plans and now they were going to be wrecked. I called back a little while later to let her know if she was leaving and bringing her children she needed to be prepared not to go back. Then she tried to make me feel guilty. What was this all about? Well, she didn't leave and the next day it was never mentioned. She and her boyfriend were business as usual. I wondered why she had try to sabatoge my night. Could it be her own fears? Could I have been on to something that she wanted to end? I still don't know. I haven't confronted her, yet. It bothers me. I see no other explanation, but fear. Now, what about the boy I was waiting on, well his fear has now impacted my life too. I'll save that for next time...

To Be Continued